“So, you’re saying I shouldn’t really have sex. I should just say I had sex with someone. A girl.” from the film “Easy A”. Brandon convinces Olive to fake having sex with him. 5-6 Min.
Olive enters her bedroom with Brandon in tow.
OLIVE
Welcome. This is where the magic happens. And as you well know, by “magic” I mean nothing.
BRANDON
Do you want to go out with me?
OLIVE
What?
BRANDON
Well, I mean, do you wanna be…my girlfriend?
OLIVE
(BEAT)
Uhhhh, Brandon, just a couple hours ago you told me you were “Kinsey 6” gay.
BRANDON
True. But you said I should pretend to be straight, so…
OLIVE
Yeah, I didn’t mean with me. I mean, you’re a nice guy and all, but you’re not really… uhhh …my type.
BRANDON
Yeah, you’re not really my type either.
OLIVE
Yeah, I know that. I got that “V” where you’d rather see a “P”.
BRANDON
Do you wanna have sex with me or not?
OLIVE
Oh my God, dude! Wow! You completely missed the point of that! That is not what I was saying at all!
BRANDON
No, I know what you were saying is that I should just act straight until I get out of this hell-hole and then I can be whoever I wanna be, I – I get that.
OLIVE
And you know I really didn’t have sex with a college guy, right? I just told everybody I did.
(BEAT)
Or, actually, I told one person I did and…you know how these things work. It’s like a wildfire.
BRANDON
So, you’re saying I shouldn’t really have sex. I should just say I had sex with someone. A girl.
OLIVE
Yes! Yes!
BRANDON
Mmmm.
(Suggesting that she should be the “girl”)
OLIVE
Ohhh, no.
BRANDON
Wha…
OLIVE
Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no!
BRANDON
Just…please?
OLIVE
No. No way!
BRANDON
Please?!
OLIVE
No way! Absolutely not!
BRANDON
Think about it! Think about it! We could help each other out!
OLIVE
NO!
BRANDON
You wanna maintain this…floozy façade. I don’t wanna get pushed into shit every day. It’s a winwin-win.
OLIVE
How do you know I like being thought of as a floozy?
BRANDON
Because at least you’re being thought of. Just one good imaginary bonk.
OLIVE
You are on crack! Alright. And not the good kind.
BRANDON
Look, it doesn’t have to be a bonk. It could be anything. It could be an imaginary butter bean, lemon squeeze, cowbell…
OLIVE
I don’t know what any of that means.
BRANDON
Well, that’s cause you’re a virgin.
OLIVE
Okay, you know what? This is not the answer at all.
BRANDON
I’ll pay you. I’ll pay you whatever you want!
OLIVE
I don’t want your money, Brandon. Why don’t you just do what I did and make someone up?
BRANDON
Who’s going to believe me? Hmmm? Look, you don’t understand how hard it is, alright? I’m tormented every day at school. It’s like I’m being suffocated. And sure, we can sit and fantasize all we want about how things are gonna be different one day, but this is today and it sucks. Alright? And there’s only one way around it, and you were smart enough to think of it, so please just help me. ‘Cause I can’t take another day of this. I don’t know what I’ll do.
OLIVE
(Relenting)
I don’t do anything half-assed, alright? It’ll have to be a public event. Melody Bostich is throwing a party tomorrow night. All of your tormenters will be there. You and I are going together, alright? You have to do everything I say, and tell everyone that I am sensational.
BRANDON
Thank you thank you so much for doing this!
OLIVE
Just…just make sure you’re ready to live with the consequences.
Brandon nods.
OLIVE (CONT’D)
What the hell is a lemon squeeze?
BRANDON
It’s like a backwards melon bag.
OLIVE
Why don’t I know any of this?
