“You’re a pretty angry young fella, aren’t you?”from the film “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind.” Barris is approached by Byrd, who then asks him to be a CIA free agent assassin. Ideal for Adult Males in their 20s and 50s. 1-2 Mins.
Written By: Chuck Barris and Charlie Kaufman
BYRD and BARRIS:
Barris sits on the curb, nursing his wounds. Byrd exits the
bar and casually approaches.
BYRD
You’re a pretty angry young fella, aren’t
you? Can’t fight worth a damn though.
BARRIS
Screw off, fag. Don’t think I haven’t
seen you watching me in that bar for a
week now.
BYRD
Kind of a loner, I’d say. Fairly bright.
A tad anti-social. Mad at the world.
Can I buy you lunch?
BARRIS
Look, there’s a schoolyard half a block
down. Why don’t you go trolling there?
Barris gets up and starts to walk away.
BYRD
I could teach you at least thirty
different ways to kill a man with a
single blow, Mr. Barris.
Barris stops.
BYRD (CONT’D)
Might help you in future bar fights.
Just a thought.
Barris just stands there.
BYRD (CONT’D)
Oh, and there’s money in it. Good money.
Barris turns.
29.
INT. DINER – DAY
Barris and Jim Byrd sit in a booth. Barris is wolfing a
hamburger. Byrd sips coffee.
BARRIS
(mouth full)
… and I figure if I can keep afloat
until I come up with my next game show
idea, then all will be copacetic.
BYRD
That sounds great, Chuck. Y’know, I’ve
never known a television producer before.
I’m impressed.
BARRIS
Yeah, yeah. So what’s this money deal
you were talking about?
BYRD
Well, I work for a government agency, and
I can always use good, enthusiastic men
to help me carry out my directives.
BARRIS
What kind of work? What government
agency?
BYRD
(matter-of-fact)
Problem solving work. For the Office of
Diplomatic Security.
BARRIS
Office of what? Never heard of it. Is
that the fucking CIA or something?
BYRD
Please be discreet, Mr. Barris.
BARRIS
(whispering)
Jesus, it is the fucking CIA! Hell, I’ll
be a spy! Where do I sign up? Are you
fucking with me? You’re fucking with me,
aren’t you?
BYRD
Hardly. And you wouldn’t be with the
company. You’d be a contract agent.
Independent. No official tie to any
agency. Is that understood?
(CONTINUED)
30.
CONTINUED:
BARRIS
(beat)
Why me?
BYRD
As you know, I’ve been watching you. For
years, actually. I’ve only let you know
about it for the last week.
Chuck stops chewing.
BARRIS
Jesus.
BYRD
I’m happy to report you fit our profile,
Mr. Barris. Are you interested in this
work?
Long pause.
BARRIS
Well, what’s the profile?
BYRD
Are you interested in this work, Mr.
Barris?
BARRIS
Yeah, sure, I wanna be a secret agent.
Contract agent. Whatever. Get to fuck
beautiful Eastern European women. Wear a
trenchcoat. Sounds like a kick.
BYRD
The work we do is very serious. It’s
essential in quelling the rise of
communism and allowing democracy to gain
its rightful foothold around the globe.
BARRIS
Sure. Yeah. Okay. That’s good.
