“I was sort of wondering what you looked like.” from the film “The Apartment.” Bud gets caught lending out his apartment so the execs at his office can carry on affairs. He admits the whole thing to Sheldrake, and promises never to do it again. Ideal for Adult Men in their 30s-60s. 1-2 Mins.
Written By: Billy Wilder and I.A.L. Diamond
Bud and Sheldrake:
INT. SHELDRAKE’S OFFICE – DAY
Mr. Sheldrake is a $14,000 a year man, and rates a four-
window office.
It is not quite an executive suite, but it is several pegs
above the glass cubicles of the middle echelon. There is
lots of leather, and a large desk behind which sits MR.
SHELDRAKE. He is a substantial looking, authoritative man in
his middle forties, a pillar of his suburban community, a
blood donor and a family man. The latter is attested to by a
framed photograph showing two boys, aged 8 and 10, in
military school uniforms.
As Baxter comes through the door, Sheldrake is leafing
through Dobisch’s efficiency report. He looks up at Bud
through a pair of heavy-rimmed reading glasses.
SHELDRAKE
Baxter?
BUD
Yes, sir.
SHELDRAKE
(studying him)
I was sort of wondering what you
looked like. Sit down.
BUD
Yes, Mr. Sheldrake.
He seats himself on the very edge of the leather armchair
facing Sheldrake.
SHELDRAKE
Been hearing some very nice things
about you — here’s a report from
Mr. Dobisch — loyal, cooperative,
resourceful —
BUD
Mr. Dobisch said that?
SHELDRAKE
And Mr. Kirkeby tells me that
several nights a week you work late
at the office — without overtime.
BUD
(modestly)
Well, you know how it is — things
pile up.
SHELDRAKE
Mr. Vanderhof, in Public Relations,
and Mr. Eichelberger, in Mortgage
and Loan — they’d both like to
have you transferred to their
departments.
BUD
That’s very flattering.
Sheldrake puts the report down, takes off his glasses, leans
across the desk toward Bud.
SHELDRAKE
Tell me, Baxter — just what is it
that makes you so popular?
BUD
I don’t know.
SHELDRAKE
Think.
Bud does so. For a moment, he is a picture of intense
concentration. Then —
BUD
Would you mind repeating the
question?
SHELDRAKE
Look, Baxter, I’m not stupid. I
know everything that goes on in
this building — in every
department — on every floor —
every day of the year.
BUD
(in a very small voice)
You do?
SHELDRAKE
(rises, starts pacing)
In 1957, we had an employee here,
name of Fowler. He was very popular,
too. Turned out he was running a
bookie joint right in the Actuarial
Department tying up the switchboard,
figuring the odds on our I.B.M.
machines — so the day before the
Kentucky Derby, I called in the
Vice Squad and we raided the
thirteenth floor.
BUD
(worried)
The Vice Squad?
SHELDRAKE
That’s right, Baxter.
BUD
What — what’s that got to do with
me? I’m not running any bookie joint.
SHELDRAKE
What kind of joint are you running?
BUD
Sir?
SHELDRAKE
There’s a certain key floating
around the office — from Kirkeby
to Vanderhof to Eichelberger to
Dobisch — it’s the key to a
certain apartment — and you know
who that apartment belongs to?
BUD
Who?
SHELDRAKE
Loyal, cooperative, resourceful C.
C. Baxter.
BUD
Oh.
SHELDRAKE
Are you going to deny it?
BUD
No, sir. I’m not going to deny it.
But if you’d just let me explain —
SHELDRAKE
You better.
BUD
(a deep breath)
Well, about six months ago — I was
going to night school, taking this
course in Advanced Accounting —
and one of the guys in our
department — he lives in Jersey —
he was going to a banquet at the
Biltmore — his wife was meeting
him in town, and he needed someplace
to change into a tuxedo — so I
gave him the key and word must
have gotten around — because the
next thing I knew, all sorts of
guys were suddenly going to
banquets — and when you give the
key to one guy, you can’t say no to
another and the whole thing got out
of hand — pardon me.
He whips out the nasal-spray, administers a couple of quick
squirts up each nostril.
SHELDRAKE
Baxter, an insurance company is
founded on public trust. Any
employee who conducts himself in a
manner unbecoming —
(shifting into a new gear)
How many charter members are there
in this little club of yours?
BUD
Just those four — out of a total
of 31,259 — so actually, we can be
very proud of our personnel —
percentage-wise.
SHELDRAKE
That’s not the point. Four rotten
apples in a barrel — no matter how
large the barrel — you realize
that if this ever leaked out —
BUD
Oh, it won’t. Believe me. And it’s
not going to happen again. From now
on, nobody is going to use my
apartment —
In his vehemence he squeezes the spray bottle, which squirts
all over the desk.
SHELDRAKE
Where is your apartment?
BUD
West 67th Street. You have no idea
what I’ve been going through —
with the neighbors and the landlady
and the liquor and the key —
SHELDRAKE
How do you work it with the key?
BUD
Well, usually I slip it to them in
the office and they leave it under
the mat — but never again — I can
promise you that —
The phone buzzer sounds, and Sheldrake picks up the phone.
SHELDRAKE
Yes, Miss Olsen.
