“Mr. Bialystock…” from the film “The Producers.” Bloom devises the scheme of over-producing a flop. Bialystock takes him seriously. Bloom has his meltdown (I’m wet and in pain and I’m still hysterical!!). Bialystock backs off and gets him to join him for lunch. Ideal for Adult Males in their 20s-30s. 2-3 Mins.
Written By: Mel Brooks
Bloom and Bialystock:
BLOOM
(recovering his dignity)
Mr. Bialystock …
BIALYSTOCK
Yes, Prince Mishkin, what can we do
for you?
BLOOM
This is hardly a time for levity.
I’ve discovered a serious error
here in the accounts of your last
play.
BIALYSTOCK MOVES AROUND THE DESK TO EXAMINE THE LEDGER.
BIALYSTOCK
Where? What?
BLOOM
According to the backer’s list you
raised $60,000. But the show you
produced only cost fifty-eight
thousand. There’s two thousand
dollars unaccounted for.
BIALYSTOCK
I went to a Turkish bath, who cares?
The show was a flop. What
difference does it make?
BLOOM
It makes a great deal of difference.
That’s fraud. If they found out,
you could go to prison.
BIALYSTOCK
Why should they find out? It’s
only two thousand dollars, Bloom,
do me a favor, move a few decimal
points around. You can do it.
You’re an accountant. The word
‘count’ is part of your title.
BLOOM
(aghast)
But that’s cheating!
BIALYSTOCK
It’s not cheating … It’s charity.
Bloom, look at me … look at me!
I’m drowning. Other men sail
through life. Bialystock has
struck a reef. Bloom, I’m going
under. I am being sunk by a
society that demands success, when
all I can offer is failure. Bloom,
I’m reaching out to you. Don’t
send me to jail. Help! Help!
DURING BIALYSTOCK’S LAST SPEECH, BLOOM UNCONSCIOUSLY REACHES
INTO HIS POCKET, TAKES OUT THE BLUE BLANKET AND RUBS IT
ACROSS HIS CHEEK.
BLOOM
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
BIALYSTOCK
(faintly)
Help!
BLOOM
All right. I’ll do it. I’ll do it.
BIALYSTOCK
Thank you, Bloom. I knew I could
con you.
BLOOM
Oh, it’s all right … wha?
BIALYSTOCK
Nothing. Nothing. Do it. Do it.
BLOOM
(pouring over the accounts)
Now let’s see, two thousand dollars.
That isn’t much. I’m sure I can
hide it somewhere. After all, the
department of internal revenue
isn’t interested in a show that
flopped.
BIALYSTOCK
Yes. Right. Good thinking. You
figure it out. I’m tired. I’m
gonna take a little nap.
(crossing to couch)
Wake me if there’s a fire.
HE HURLS HIMSELF DOWN ONTO THE COUCH.
CAMERA MOVES IN TO TIGHT SHOT OF BLOOM.
BLOOM
Now let’s see, if we add these
figures, we get …
CAMERA MOVES INTO CLOSE-UP OF BLOOM’S FINGER SWIFTLY MOVING
DOWN LONG COLUMN OF FIGURES. HE COMES TO THE END AND
IMMEDIATELY WRITHES TOTAL BELOW.
BACK TO TIGHT SHOT OF BLOOM. HE COMPARES PAGES.
BLOOM
(musing to himself)
Heh, heh, heh, amazing. It’s
absolutely amazing. But under the
right circumstances, a producer
could make more money with a flop
than he could with a hit.
QUICK CUT TO BIALYSTOCK’S SLEEPING FACE. HIS EYES POP OPEN.
CUT BACK TO BLOOM.
BLOOM
Yes. Yes. It’s quite possible.
If he were certain the show would
fail, a man could make a fortune.
CUT TO BIALYSTOCK. BY NOW HE IS HALFWAY ACROSS THE ROOM.
HIS WHOLE BEING TINGLING WITH ALERTNESS. HE MOVES TO
BLOOM’S DESK AND HOVERS OVER HIM, WAITING EXPECTANTLY FOR
MORE INFORMATION. BUT BLOOM IS LOST IN HIS WORK, UNAWARE
THAT BIALYSTOCK IS HANGING ON HIS EVERY WORD.
BIALYSTOCK
Yes???
BLOOM LOOKS UP. HE IS STARTLED TO SEE BIALYSTOCK’S FACE SO
CLOSE TO HIS OWN.
BLOOM
(at a loss)
Yes, what?
BIALYSTOCK
What you were saying. Keep talking.
BLOOM
What was I saying?
BIALYSTOCK
You were saying that under the
right circumstances, a producer
could make more money with a flop
than he could with a hit.
BLOOM
(smiling)
Yes, it’s quite possible.
BIALYSTOCK
You keep saying that, but you don’t
tell me how. How could a producer
make more money with a flop than
with a hit?
BLOOM, SLIGHTLY EXASPERATED, PUTS HIS PENCIL DOWN AND FACES
BIALYSTOCK. HE SPEAKS TO BIALYSTOCK AS A TEACHER WOULD A
STUDENT.
BLOOM
It’s simply a matter of creative
accounting. Let us assume, just
for the moment, that you are a
dishonest man.
BIALYSTOCK
Assume away!
BLOOM
Well, it’s very easy. You simply
raise more money than you really
need.
BIALYSTOCK
What do you mean?
BLOOM
You’ve done it yourself, only you
did it on a very small scale.
BIALYSTOCK
What did I do?
BLOOM
You raised two thousand more than
you needed to produce your last play.
BIALYSTOCK
So what? What did it get me? I’m
wearing a cardboard belt.
BLOOM
Ahhhhhh! But that’s where you made
your error. You didn’t go all the
way. You see, if you were really a
bold criminal, you could have
raised a million.
BIALYSTOCK
But the play only cost $60,000 to
produce.
BLOOM
Exactly. And how long did it run?
BIALYSTOCK
One night.
BLOOM
See? You could have raised a
million dollars, put on a sixty
thousand dollar flop and kept the
rest.
BIALYSTOCK
But what if the play was a hit?
BLOOM
Oh, you’d go to jail. If the play
were a hit, you’d have to pay off
the backers, and with so many
backers there could never be enough
profits to go around, get it?
BIALYSTOCK
Aha, aha, aha, aha, aha, aha!! So,
in order for the scheme to work,
we’d have to find a sure fire flop.
BLOOM
What scheme?
BIALYSTOCK
What scheme? Your scheme, you
bloody little genius.
BLOOM
Oh, no. No. No. I meant no
scheme. I merely posed a little,
academic accounting theory. It’s
just a thought.
BIALYSTOCK
Bloom, worlds are turned on such
thoughts!
BIALYSTOCK STARTS MOVING IN ON BLOOM.
BIALYSTOCK
Don’t you see, Bloom. Darling,
Bloom, glorious Bloom, it’s so
simple. Step one: We find the
worst play in the world — a sure
flop. Step two: I raise a million
dollars — there’s a lot of little
old ladies in this world. Step
three: You go back to work on the
books. Phoney lists of backers —
one for the government, one for us.
You can do it, Bloom, you’re a
wizard.
(MORE)
BIALYSTOCK (CONT’D)
Step four: We open on Broadway and
before you can say ‘step five’ we
close on Broadway. Step six: We
take our million dollars and fly to
Rio de Janiero.
BIALYSTOCK GRABS BLOOM IN HIS ARMS AND BEGINS TO LEAD HIM IN
A WILD TANGO AROUND THE ROOM.
BIALYSTOCK
(sings)
“Ah, Rio, Rio by the seao, meo,
myo, meo … “
BLOOM
(afraid of the
scheme, afraid of the
dance, afraid of Bialystock)
Mr. Bialystock. No. Wait. Please.
You’re holding me too tight. I’m
an honest man. You don’t understand.
BIALYSTOCK
(leading Bloom as he talks)
No, Bloom, you don’t understand.
This is fate, this is destiny.
There’s no avoiding it.
AT THIS POINT, BIALYSTOCK SWEEPS BLOOM INTO AN ELABORATE DIP.
BLOOM
(the back of his head
practically touching
the floor)
Mr. Bialystock, not more than five
minutes ago, against my better
judgment, I doctored your books.
That, sir, is the ultimate extent
of my criminal life.
BIALYSTOCK RAISES HIS FISTS TO THE HEAVENS IN DESPAIR.
BLOOM, EXPERIENCING A DEFINITE LACK OF SUPPORT, GOES CRASHING
TO THE FLOOR.
BIALYSTOCK
OOOOOHH! OOOOOHH! OOOOOHH!
OOOOOHH! I WANT THAT MONEY!
CAMERA ON BLOOM AS HE LIES STRICKEN ON THE FLOOR.
BLOOM
(to himself)
Oh, I fell on my keys.
(he shifts slightly
to make himself more comfortable)
I’ve got to get out of here.
BIALYSTOCK
(angrily hovering
over Bloom)
You miserable, cowardly, wretched
little caterpillar. Don’t you ever
want to become a butterfly? Don’t
you want to spread your wings and
flap your way to glory?
BIALYSTOCK FLAPS HIS ARMS LIKE A HUGE PREDATORY BIRD.
BLOOM
(his eyes widened in terror)
You’re going to jump on me.
BIALYSTOCK STARES AT HIM INCREDULOUSLY.
BLOOM
You’re going to jump on me. I know
you’re going to jump on me — like
Nero jumped on Poppea.
BIALYSTOCK
(nonplussed)
What???
BLOOM
(by now he is shrieking)
Poppea. She was his wife. And she
was unfaithful to him. So he got
mad and he jumped on her. Up and
down, up and down, until he squashed
her like a bug. Please don’t jump
on me.
BIALYSTOCK
(shouting and jumping
up and down next to Bloom)
I’m not going to jump on you!
BLOOM
(rolling away in terror)
Aaaaaaaaaa!
BIALYSTOCK
(hoisting Bloom to
his feet)
Will you get a hold on yourself.
BLOOM
(up on his feet and
running for cover)
Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me!
HE RUNS TO A CORNER OF THE ROOM. TRAPPED! HE TURNS.
BIALYSTOCK
What are you afraid of? I’m not
going to hurt you! What’s the
matter with you?
BLOOM
I’m hysterical. I’m having
hysterics. I’m hysterical. I
can’t stop. When I get like this,
I can’t stop. I’m hysterical.
BIALYSTOCK RUSHES TO THE DESK. PICKS UP A CARAFE OF WATER
AND SHOSHES ITS CONTENTS INTO BLOOM’S FACE.
BLOOM
I’m wet! I’m wet! I’m hysterical
and I’m wet!
BIALYSTOCK IN A DESPERATE MOVE TO STOP BLOOM’S HYSTERICS,
SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE.
BLOOM
(holding his face)
I’m in pain! And I’m wet! And I’m
still hysterical!
BIALYSTOCK RAISES HIS HAND AGAIN.
BLOOM
No! No! Don’t hit. It doesn’t
help. It only increases my sense
of danger.
BIALYSTOCK
What can I do? What can I do?
You’re getting me hysterical.
BLOOM
Go away from me. You frighten me.
(he indicates the sofa)
Sit over there.
BIALYSTOCK SITS ON THE SOFA.
BIALYSTOCK
(exasperated)
Okay. I’m way over here. Is that
better?
BLOOM
It’s a little better, but you still
look angry.
BIALYSTOCK
How’s this?
(he smiles sweetly)
BLOOM
Good. Good. That’s nice. That’s
very nice. I think I’m coming out
of it now. Yes. Yes. I’m
definitely coming out of it. Thank
you for smiling. It helped a great
deal.
BIALYSTOCK
(for want of something
sensible)
Well, you know what they say,
“Smile and the world smiles with
you.” Heh, heh.
(to himself)
The man should be in a straight
jacket.
(to Bloom)
Feeling better?
BLOOM
Much, thank you. But I am a little
lightheaded. Maybe I should eat
something. Hysterics have a way of
severely depleting one’s blood
sugar, you know.
BIALYSTOCK
They certainly do. They certainly
do. Come, let me take you to lunch.
BLOOM
That’s very kind of you, Mr.
Bialystock, but I …
BIALYSTOCK
(interrupting)
Nonsense, nonsense, my dear boy. I
lowered your blood sugar, but least
I could do is raise it a little.
BLOOM LOOKS AT HIM SUSPICIOUSLY.
BIALYSTOCK
And I promise you faithfully, I
won’t discuss that silly scheme to
make a million dollars anymore.
BIALYSTOCK DONS HIS CAPE AND “BELASCO” HAT. FROM A RACK HE
SELECTS A GOLD-TOPPED WALKING STICK. HE GOES TO DOOR, OPENS
IT, AND WITH A GRAND FLOURISH, MOTIONS BLOOM TO PRECEDE HIM.
BIALYSTOCK
Avanti!
